Interview with Vicki Tiede
Today, we welcome author Vicki Tiede and we’re talking about her latest book, When Your Husband is Addicted to Pornography: Healing Your Wounded Heart.
Welcome, Vicki. This book is set up like a Bible Study. What led you to set this book into sections of time?
In When Your Husband is Addicted to Pornography, I lead women down the healing path of Emmaus. Emmaus means “warm springs,” which have long been heralded as a place of healing. I set my book up to create an opportunity for guided discovery, much like the two men on the road to Emmaus experienced.
- I ask her to slow down and fix her thoughts on Him. Christ will catch up to her in the pages of the book that are saturated with His Word. (I assure her that He walks with her whether she acknowledges Him or not.)
- I ask her to listen to what He’s telling her through His Word– even the gentle rebukes.
- I remind her that when the destination/healing seems to be near, she’s going to want more time with him, so she should invite Him to stay.
- Finally, when He reveals Himself to her anew, I encourage her to bask in His presence and acknowledge His care for her.
My hope is that by breaking the book into day and week sections, it will encourage the reader to slow down and really consider what Christ is saying to her.
What advice can you give to pastors who might want to use this book as a resource? How would you recommend using this with women in their church?
So many pastors are well-intentioned, but truly do not know how to help women in this situation. First, reading my book himself will certainly expand his understanding of the issue and its implications for the wife of a husband addicted to pornography. I would encourage pastors to have a few copies of the book on hand, so that when she comes in, after counseling and praying with her, he can give her the book to begin working through. There are many options after that.
- If you have a number of women in your church who you are aware would benefit from this book, then perhaps someone could lead a small group.
- The pastor or someone else in the church who does pastoral counseling could meet with her periodically to hear how she is processing through the book.
- I also encourage pastors to be aware of support groups that may already be in existence in their area. It’s not news that women are highly relational and having a support group can be a tremendous blessing to them.
When a woman’s heart is healed, regardless of her husband’s daily choices, she will be in a better position to help promote a healing environment for her husband as well.
I want to mention that I’ve written an article about this for pastors, which is available here on my website. It helps pastors know what to say (and what not to say) when a woman comes to see him and her husband is addicted to pornography.
I love the phrase (page35) “but you also need to get off your duff and fight for your marriage.” What do you mean by this? Does this go against the grain for many women?
The first person a woman needs to be talking to is God. She needs to pray like she’s never prayed before, but that doesn’t mean there’s nothing else to do. You can’t change your husband, but you can work vehemently with God to change your heart. That’s why you have to embrace your hope in Christ. If you don’t, then you lay in the middle of the battlefield whining, “It’s hopeless.” Whatever! Get up! I want my readers to experience a hope that can’t be shaken regardless of the enemy’s efforts. In Christ she is able to claim joy that can’t be taken despite the pain of her present circumstances. If my reader wants to DO something, she’d better claiming hope and trusting God with her marriage. That is doing something productive. That is how you fight for your marriage.
Does it go against the grain? Sure it does. She wants to cling to the lie that if this is HIS addiction, she shouldn’t have to do anything. She needs to get over that. She made a sacred covenant when she married this man and she needs to do her part to live up to God’s standard of marriage. That means trusting Him and dealing with her heart.
More about Vicki: I am an author and speaker who has a passion for opening the Scriptures and pointing women to their true source of grace and faithfulness. For the past ten years, I have been honored to speak for numerous women at conferences, retreats, and women’s events. I am the author of three books including When Your Husband is Addicted to Pornography (2012), Plug Me In and Let Me Charge Overnight (2009), and Parenting on Your Knees: Prayers and Practical Guidance for the Preschool Years (coming January 2013). I live in Rochester, Minnesota, with my husband Mike, daughter, and two sons. Visit her on the web.
For Your Readers: Sample Chapters from When Your Husband is Addicted to Pornography: Healing Your Wounded Heart
Links to buy the book:
Barnes and Noble (BN’s processing times are lagging, but it will eventually be available here too)